Si "Friend of Mine"

I am having my lunch break this afternoon with 2 of my best buddy, we were chatting, making “chixmax” to everyone who seems to be interesting that day then I found out that we are on our way to discussing my love life.
Oh my, it’s the topic I hate most. What on earth am I going to share? Why do we need to discuss my love life to think i don't have any? It’s just someone who came back from abroad.
I really do not know but love life for me is one of the most dreadful thing to discuss in my life. I have nothing to share. Yes you heard it right, got nothing to share because I never had a boyfriend since birth and currently I never thought of having one. So why are you hearing this boring story? Because I know most of you can relate.
During our discussion, I kept asking myself, am i being honest with myself on how i feel with this special someone whom until now is the only person I love? Am I ready to face rejection? Am i ready to take the next step? Or Am I just a coward that can't stand on how i feel? 
Minsan I just want to think that i am just being real and avoiding myself being hurt by someone because I would never let anyone hurt me except myself. But by just being so quiet about it, doesn’t mean i am not hurting myself because until now i can't seem to move on. The pain is still there.
Tama! Tama na sabihin ko na sa kanya... I need to express how i feel and tell it straight to his face the moment I get a chance para maka-move on na.
Realization is now killing me. It is now or never, if i tell him the truth, our friendship is at risk. If not, my heart is at risk since I'll never find someone to love as this heart beats for that one person. The person whom I never expect to fall in love with. The person who is a not my ideal guy but a person whom i see myself spending my life as a friend. And just friend.
My two good old buddies is correct when they told me that I should tell him since this is my chance to be happy. This is my chance to enjoy the love life topic. To enjoy sharing my love life and not just listening to someone else’s' story.
I need to tell him for me to be happy and to have a time of finding true love. The love that i should be enjoying right now to think I am not committed but i am still reserving myself in entering into any relationship because I can never give love the way I gave love to this person.
My heart is beating for this one person. My fault is that I gave my heart without him knowing that he owns it. Yes, you heard it right again, I never had this chance of telling him how much i feel. I maybe one of the most talkative person in this world but I never learned the trick of expressing my real feelings. I thought this is something that could be learned. (Though I learned the hard way. I learned that all I need to have is courage. )
It's funny I am writing it right now because this is the only way i can express this feeling, this feeling that wants to explode anytime.
I never want to hurt anyone on how i feel. I may be selfish in many ways but if it’s about for the person I love, I am very much willing to give and sacrifice everything. Even if it means the world to me. I guess that’s how everyone does for the people they love.
I'll be hypocrite if I'm going to say that I never thought of me and him in the future, holding hands together, sharing stories while watching the sunset and having coffee together waiting for the sunrise. But everything will disappear whenever I think that he will never like me as me. That I am not enough.
I love myself more than anyone else. I love being who i am and i cannot change myself for anyone else and i do not want to do that because changing one little thing in myself for anyone will not make me myself anymore. If i would change something about myself, I'd be happy to change it because I want to. 
This note is not meant for you who is reading this but this is meant for myself. I'd just like to express my thoughts right now because i feel i have been hiding and keeping this for the longest time now.
I know that conversation with my buddies is not just our normal harutan convo. They may express themselves in a very funny way, but they made me realized how long I have been holding this to myself. I am open with the thought that I'm in love with this person but i am never open in expressing it.
Why??
Because of rejection. I'm scared to death of being rejected,  I'm scared he'll tell me I took advantage of our friendship, I'm too afraid he'll tell me that he can never love me. I hated the feeling of being rejected, neglected and dumped.
I'm scared that our friendship will end. Too scared not to talk to him, not to see him at all, not to hear anything from him.
I remember this song "Kung Ako Na Lang Sana" ni Bituin Escalante or the "Friend of Mine" sang by Lea Salonga.
This songs reminds me of loving this person. This songs are timeless like the love i feel right now.
"I've known you for so long you are a friend of mine, kung ako nalang sana ang iyong minahal. "
This letter was written 6 years ago and today, I am still single. I am jokingly ready to mingle. I could say today that I have moved on.
It was a very long process that took me a decade before I learn to let go. (tagal diba? Loyal kasi kaming mga cancer). I never got a chance to tell how I feel but I do not have any regrets because we remain good friends. And I know and I feel that he already knew it. 
The only thing I hold in my heart are the memories of being happy because of the feeling of being in love with someone. Together with that memories are the lessons I learned.
1. True love waits pero hindi forever. Unless you are meant for each other dun may forever.
2. Acceptance and letting go. Mahirap magmove on lalo na kung never na naging kayo accept it as early as possible para mas madali mo matagpuan ang ka-forever mo.
3. All the pain and happiness that you experience is because of the choices that you made. Choose wisely para sa forever. Never ka magkakamali basta pinakinggan moa ng puso mo.
4. Always ask guidance and strength to God. He’ll show you the right path. You just have to open not just your eyes but your heart as well.
5. Be patient and be faithful. You will find your own happiness because God is writing your own love story. Just be patient!

Cup of Tea

I have been thinking of writing for a couple of months ago and finally, today is the day where I sit in front of the television, watching Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, waiting for my tea to get done and voila! I am in the mood to write.

What should I write then? I have no inspiration, no aspiration, no perspiration and I really do not have any idea what to write until I took a bag of my fave tea and remind me of the time reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yeah right, they said it’s an erotic book but for me? It’s a book about love. About a person, talking about Ana, who did anything and everything to for the person she loves. A person who accepted the person she loves the way he is. Who wouldn’t love Christian Grey? He has everything! From being a hot very good looking man to a very powerful and wealthy man. He is the cherry on the cream of the top! But he is not like that; he has this terrible flaw, a saddist as they say, a control-freak and over-protective person. He gets what he wants. And by just that, Ana loved him the way he is regardless of the wealth and power of this man. She accepted him as he is and sees him like a very different person. She sees him as a fragile, abused man who was traumatized during his childhood life. She wants to heal all the pain, to put smile on his beautiful face and simply just to make him feel that he is loved.

Sometimes I wonder am I ready to be like Ana. Of course not the submissive part, I haven’t thought about that yet and it’s pretty much not my personality. Am I the Dom? Nope! I just learned the words from the book. But my question is am I as ready as like Ana? Falling in love and giving myself to someone? Giving myself would mean giving my love, trust and care for someone. Being defensive? I just want to be understood very well because there are some people who think of me differently.

A lot of times I am misunderstood, not a lot of people knew me. I mean, I could run like the president of the Ms. Congeniality club but not a lot of people know me. Am I terrified? Sad? Pissed? Well, I just don’t care. I sometimes show people what I want them to see me. Only few people know me. From every smirk, smile, and laugh and even just by a look into my eyes, they know if I’m happy, sad and just feel like being alone. They accept me even if I’m bitching around. They hit me when they think I am over and that if I am on the wrong the direction. Yeah, I’m bad with direction so I don’t like getting them. J and at my age right now, I can do anything I want but of course with a certain limitation and consideration of everything.

Limitation – I have boundaries in everything. I have my own principle and values that I always consider that maybe, some people just don’t understand it. AND I DON’T CARE!

I care a lot, for my family and friends, maybe in a different way. In a very Gladies way, I care if I’m tough, strict, grumpy and snob. It’s a different way of caring but this is how I’m brought up. And this is how I show I care.

If I have this way of caring, what much more when loving? Again, it’s different. I didn’t know if I’ve experience the true love thing. But I’m crazy. I am always crazy (everyone thinks I’m crazy which is a good thing because that is one of a very genuine characteristic of being me). I’m possessive in a way that I just don’t let go. I always hold on to something even if I am the only one holding. I never let go easily. I always have this big HOPE (I’m a 100% non-smoker) that I’ll find love whenever I give love. But still no luck of finding love. I’m just giving love lagi!!!

Okay, you’re right. I’m HOPEless romantic. I’m very sure I am. I am still looking for Gladies’ knight in shining armor. Cinderella found her prince, Prince Charming found Snowhite, Ariel has Price Eric, Belle has her Beast, Princess Aurora with Prince Philip, Jasmine with Aladdin, Tiana with Prince Naveen, Esmeralda with Quasimodo, Pocahontas with John Smith, Fiona with Shrek never with Donkey, Rose and Jack, Edward and Bella, Ana with Christian Grey…

I can write all day long of all these love teams and never Gladies with… with blank…  With whom? No one.

For the past few months, all I do is attend weddings. To witness my friends to be happy ever after like the people above mentioned.

I came to a point that I’m pressured. That I needed to find to find someone who would bring the smile I saw with my friends. Not just the ‘kilig’ factor but the smile brought by real happiness. The security you feel whenever his arms are wrap around you. The feeling of being safe, that no witch, beast, evil magician or rulers can hurt you. And the healing feeling that he gives you just by his kiss. Worries and fears would subside just by one kiss.

This is a real hopeless romantic point of views. Fairy tales never happens until you fall in love. See? I am still thinking about it. But really, all people in love would say that fairy tales really do happen.

And I thought I found mine. I met this guy like 8 months ago. Weirdly taking advice from 2 of my good girlfriends during a boring after shift morning while watching TV, what was that? Chatting.  I met him that night; we had a very good conversation. I never thought I’d meet a guy with a common sense and a sense of humor at the same time. Time flies and I realized that this guy is making me smile. The grumpiness in me subsides whenever I think of him. I always caught myself smiling alone. And after 4 months of having a good conversation and laughs, he surprised me by showing me a ticket going here in the country to meet me. Just to meet me. So who said no one can cross mountains and sea for me. By the way, he is a Phil-Am and staying in the US and wants to meet me.

I’m sure and I could say that this could really be it. I like him a lot. We have similarities but we have more differences which makes the relationship more exciting and valuable.

Then something happened, I got busy with my life, busy fulfilling my lifetime dream. Enjoying my life to the fullest and realized that the only thing that keeps us connected was disconnected by me. Yes, you read that right; I disconnected myself for a supposed to be happy ending.

But I also realized something, that if this supposed to be Prince charming of mine really is the real thing, I would definitely find time for him. Never ignore his messages and would definitely return calls. But my life, and myself is more important to this guy.

I apologized from the bottom of my heart for ignoring and forgetting him while I was so full of my dreams.

Things didn’t work out and voila! I’m back from being Gladies and …

I may be back from being alone, single and ready to mingle mode, but I have realization and lessons learned from what happened.

I am still young but I’m not getting any younger! I only have 3 years before the so called ‘desperada mode’.

Don’t search for love let love comes to you! Don’t be too in love with love because if you want to find real happiness, it should start within yourself.

And you should ensure that you really have good friends to share a cup of tea while telling this kind of thoughts because it would feel good being yourself in just a cup of tea.

Tuwing Umuulan

It’s August 7, 2011, at 2:13 in the morning. 

It’s a rainy Sunday morning; well it has been raining for almost two weeks kasi nga rainy season. 

I was thinking of my dream when I woke up late afternoon yesterday. Napanaginipan ko na naman sya. Kelan nga ba ‘yong huli? Matagal tagal ko na din pala s’ya di nakikita sa panaginip ko.  I am loaded of so many things the past few months, kaya kahit thank you article noong birthday ko di ko nagawang isulat.

Anu ‘yung panaginip ko that made me write today? Actually, magulo. Sobrang halo-halo ang mga pangyayari. Pero to sum it up, I am with  good friends heading somewhere. Nagmamadali ako to meet my good friend na umuwi from abroad. To think na itong good friends ko at itong friend ko abroad doesn’t know each other. On my way going there, I was trapped to this place with a few tropa (iba pa sa kasama ko sa sasakyan), where I met this nice guy. I am enjoying his company; he’s nice, thoughtful and sweet. And goodness I love his smile kasi it made me forget where I was heading. After a few chat, dumating ka, you were making silly acts to take my attention. And syempre, you’ve won. Nakalimutan ko si cute guy with sweet smile dahil kinausap mo ako. You showed na you don’t like the guy talking to me. Na gusto mo ikaw lang pinapansin at kinakausap ko. You made me feel your presence para di ako mainlove sa lalaking ‘yon.

Nung napunta ulit lahat ng atensyon ko sa’yo, we did what we normally do. 

Magkwentuhan at magkulitan. And I actually see myself happy. From that dream, I saw my old self. Laughing as if there was no tomorrow and smiling like a 13 year old girl saw her ultimate crush.

Then back to reality…

When I woke up, I felt sad. Not just because may steep neck ako but because I know that time would never happen between the two of us. Nalungkot ako kasi nagising ako sa isang magandang panaginip na alam ko hanggang panaginip lang.

I remember Tamia’s song ‘Almost’.

We never had our time. You were never mine, but how can I missed the time being with you as if you were mine.

But how come all I wanted is to hold your hand to feel safe. Wrap your arms around me to know I’m being protected and loved. Feel your presence to know that I am not alone.

How long will it take me to move forward? How long will I need to wait to be free? When will be the time I’d be ready to start again? When is the day I will say that I’m over you and that I am ready to fall in love again?

Eto ang ayaw ko tuwing umuulan, I began to think of things that might and might not happen. Minsan I blame myself for falling in love sa isang taong never na magiging akin. Kaso, every time na naiisip ko ‘yun, my heart tells me na I made the right decision. I shouldn’t blame myself kasi ito ay isang napakagandanag bagay na ibinigay ni Lord sakin. Na He let me feel to be in love and to give love. Though the love that I gave will never be returned.

Dreams will always be dreams. If you want it to happen, you have to do something. If not, you just need to sleep all day to dream and be hurt once you woke up.

Okay

Why is it so hard to pretend?

Pretending to be strong, when deep inside you feel like crying. You wanted to burst in tears for the pain, anger and hurt that is in your heart but you can’t. Why? Because you know that this is the only way that someone could be as strong as they can see you. In this way, you are able to protect someone dear to your heart.

Even if you feel like giving up, you can’t just show it to everyone else because they look up to you as a strong person. They get strength and courage to be as strong as you. You inspire them to be brave in all dilemmas that they are going through.

Why is it so hard to show that you are also human, that you can also feel the pain in the world? 

I am not a perfect person, and people may look at me as one of the worst person they’ve ever met. They can call me selfish, heartless, and ruthless and the unkind person in this world and I would not care. They don’t know me. They don’t know what I am going through.

Pretending to be strong and okay is one of the hardest things in this world. But I could overcome that for the people I care about.

Hay, Emo na naman ako. Di ko pa naintindihan ang pinagsasasabi ko.

Pero kung ang topic is pagiging mapagkunwari.I would say that im good at it. I’ve been doing that for many years now.

It started when I fall in love, I tried my best hiding the feeling but sa ayaw ko man o hindi, it shows kasi my heart could not hide it. Though I still deny it. Hahaha.

I pretended to be okay kahit hindi.

May mga bagay sa mundong ito na kahit gusto mo na matapos, ay hindi padin matapos tapos dahil magulo. Anu daw?

Ako pala ang magulo. Magulo ako kasi hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. I am missing my old self. Si Glad na walang pinoproblema (though is makes me a stronger person), si Glad na hindi natatakot magkamali (kasi we should learn from our mistakes kasi kung hindi tayo magkakamali di tayo matututo), SI Glad na ang gusto lang ay maging masaya (I am happy, pero may kulang).

 Anu ba pinagsasasabi ko? Bakit hindi ko makikilala ang sarili ko eh lagi ko kasama sarili ko? Sa sobrang pagkukunwari ko, parang totoo na ang mga ipinakikita ko.

Well it’s better to pretend you’re okay than to explain why you’re not okay.

This line works for me well. I may be so madaldal and that I could not help my mouth to just shut for a sec but I’d prefer people to see me okay.

I dont want them to worry about me (parang may mag care naman noh?), i dont want to add myself on their problems and worries. O baka naman, I am just too scared to know that no one cares sa 'kin. That i give love to everyone at di ko lang matanggap na they could not love me back kaya i just want to feel okay? Pwede din

Kaya nga naniniwala ako kapag kinamusta mo ang isang tao at sinabing okay lang sila. Okay means i have so much to think about, i have bigger problems and i just dont want you to involve yourself because i know that you as well have bigger problems.

Okay could also mean that, I dont need help right now. Just leave me alone.

Or it could mean that tinatamad ako mag kwento, can you just find out for yourself? Para naman ma-feel ko na you really care?

Hay naku! Minsan na nga lang ako magsusulat ganito pa naisulat ko. Ang pangit!!!

Letters to Juliet

Last week, as Anna prepares for her business trip this week going to Italy. She mentioned that she will stay near Casa di Giulietta in Verona.

It is said that Juliet's statue bring good fortune to those who would stoke the right breast of the statue, maybe in love, family, friends, career, or whatever you like. In addition to this, Anna and Berns said that when you wrote a letter to Juliet, someone would read that letter and try to make your wish come true. They could grant your wish, gives you advice, make a move to help you maybe find true love.

I would love to write that day. But I do not know what I would like to put in that letter until I’ve watched the movie. When Anna and Berns said that I could make a wish by writing a letter, I was thinking that this letter could help me moved on. This could help me say the words that never came out when I have the chance. This could be the chance of being happy. But watching the movie made things clear that it would still be me to choose and decide the things that would make me happy. 

Claire took 50 years before having the courage to go back in Italy and look for Lorenzo. She may ignore “Juliet’s” response but she decides and took courage to face the truth that after 50 years, she is dying to be with Lorenzo.

I don’t want to wait 50 years, but I’ll make sure that this is really true love. This would sounds absurd because I don’t know what true love is, but I know if that day would come, I would not need to write to Juliet to live happily ever after.

Write now, if I were to write to Juliet, I would have said below:

Ciao Giulietta,

I hope someday, I could write to you about the story of love in my life. I hope that day would come.

Finding true love seems to be so difficult, is it because of love that I kept hiding for a long time? Or the love that I could not put into words because of fear being rejected? Or maybe because it’s not my priority.

I admire you for fighting what you have with Romeo. It may be tragic but the love between the two of you is over flowing that even death could not tear you apart.

I wish I could have the same courage as you are in fighting for your love.

Grazie,

Glad

Sounds that I am confused? Bitter? Afraid? Lost? Whatever it is, it’s what is in my heart right now.