decided

I’m decided today.. Maybe this is not for me.. I can’t help asking myself.. what have I done wrong.. I think I should not be treated like this.. I’ve been working hard to support my family.. to support myself.. to fulfill my dream.. but what is happening now.. I cant support my family.. how can I fulfill my long time dream..

How can I buy my own house.. my own car..

Am I still able to build my dream… my engineering firm.. how can it be possible.. it so hard for me to think na all my dreams will be left as dreams.. haay..

Now.. im decided na.. I have to find myself.. im changing in the way I don’t like… its not me.. im not the girl with many dreams na.. im the girl full of hatred.. haaaaaayy….

overwhelm

im here.. very masakit ang ulo.. overwhelm n hindi ko maintindihan.. minsan asa mood ako mag-work.. minsan hindi..
madalas i feel very reactive and guilty of what im saying.. puro observation and grudge feeling for everyone.. haaay.. samtyms naman.. i feel good for everyone..

ngaun.. at this very moment.. i just felt very exhausted.. need to pahinga.. pahinga the utak and the super observation..
samtimes i feel guilty ksi masyadong tactless na ako.. i will say what i want say.. express all the things that needs to be expreesed..
para akong sasabog n bulkan ksi kapag hindi ko sinabi.. hinid rin ako makaka-work ng maaus.. hindi ko n nga magawa ang work ko ng maaus eh.. haaaay.. always nlng b ako ganito.. puro hinaing.. puro reklamo..
klan kya mauuulit ung college days ko na nagpopost ako dito for the sake of maka-pagpost lng.. for all my lablyfs.. kung meron..
i hope i could be just me.. very masayin.. always looking at the brighter side.. always positively passionate in evrything..

breathe

Its October 6, 2008.. malakas ang ulan.. dito ako sa training room.. nagbabantay ng nag-eexam.. nakikinig ng truly, madly, deeply ng savage garden..

Nag-iisip.. nag-iisip kung san nga ba tlga ako pupunta.. mejo nalilito n ksi ako.. nawawala ako sa career pathing ko..

Una, gusto ko maging engr.. hindi naman binigay skin..

Ngahanap ako ng trabaho.. nagging operator ako.. ilang buwan lng nakalipas.. trainer na ako.. ngaun? Kahit san ata ak omagpunta alang satisfaction.. y kya? I like what I am doing.. im learning to love it.. kso there comes a time na I just want to get out of this fucking job.. tulad lng ngaun.. parng gusto ko n xa iwan.. kaso by tomorrow.. or the next day.. gusto ko na namn sya..

Panu kaya magkaka-direksyon ang buhay ko.. lagi nlgn bang.. gigising ako sa umaga.. papasok sa trbaho.. aabutin ako ng gabi.. swertihin kung bayadan ang OT.. tapos.. tutulog.. tapos gigising ulet pra pumasok sa trabaho.. it’s a daily routine n samtyms.. prng gusto ko nlng magpahinga ng isang buong linggo.. un tipong.. pahinga lng tlga..

I am enjoying the company of my colleges here.. I treated them as one of my barkada.. my friends.. cguro they are one of the reason y ang hirap umalis.. parang college lang noh.. hanggang nagun.. we make sure that khit ganu ka-buzy ang sked.. magkikita kita kmi.. parang ganun din cla.. habang tumatagal.. tumatatag ang friendship na mahirap bitiwan..

I hope I could have this sort of direction.. what I want to be.. what I want to achieve.. who I want to be samday.. what I want 2.. 3.. 5 years from now.. because the only time I could say oim successful is that when I grow old.. im happy..