Cup of Tea

I have been thinking of writing for a couple of months ago and finally, today is the day where I sit in front of the television, watching Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, waiting for my tea to get done and voila! I am in the mood to write.

What should I write then? I have no inspiration, no aspiration, no perspiration and I really do not have any idea what to write until I took a bag of my fave tea and remind me of the time reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.

Yeah right, they said it’s an erotic book but for me? It’s a book about love. About a person, talking about Ana, who did anything and everything to for the person she loves. A person who accepted the person she loves the way he is. Who wouldn’t love Christian Grey? He has everything! From being a hot very good looking man to a very powerful and wealthy man. He is the cherry on the cream of the top! But he is not like that; he has this terrible flaw, a saddist as they say, a control-freak and over-protective person. He gets what he wants. And by just that, Ana loved him the way he is regardless of the wealth and power of this man. She accepted him as he is and sees him like a very different person. She sees him as a fragile, abused man who was traumatized during his childhood life. She wants to heal all the pain, to put smile on his beautiful face and simply just to make him feel that he is loved.

Sometimes I wonder am I ready to be like Ana. Of course not the submissive part, I haven’t thought about that yet and it’s pretty much not my personality. Am I the Dom? Nope! I just learned the words from the book. But my question is am I as ready as like Ana? Falling in love and giving myself to someone? Giving myself would mean giving my love, trust and care for someone. Being defensive? I just want to be understood very well because there are some people who think of me differently.

A lot of times I am misunderstood, not a lot of people knew me. I mean, I could run like the president of the Ms. Congeniality club but not a lot of people know me. Am I terrified? Sad? Pissed? Well, I just don’t care. I sometimes show people what I want them to see me. Only few people know me. From every smirk, smile, and laugh and even just by a look into my eyes, they know if I’m happy, sad and just feel like being alone. They accept me even if I’m bitching around. They hit me when they think I am over and that if I am on the wrong the direction. Yeah, I’m bad with direction so I don’t like getting them. J and at my age right now, I can do anything I want but of course with a certain limitation and consideration of everything.

Limitation – I have boundaries in everything. I have my own principle and values that I always consider that maybe, some people just don’t understand it. AND I DON’T CARE!

I care a lot, for my family and friends, maybe in a different way. In a very Gladies way, I care if I’m tough, strict, grumpy and snob. It’s a different way of caring but this is how I’m brought up. And this is how I show I care.

If I have this way of caring, what much more when loving? Again, it’s different. I didn’t know if I’ve experience the true love thing. But I’m crazy. I am always crazy (everyone thinks I’m crazy which is a good thing because that is one of a very genuine characteristic of being me). I’m possessive in a way that I just don’t let go. I always hold on to something even if I am the only one holding. I never let go easily. I always have this big HOPE (I’m a 100% non-smoker) that I’ll find love whenever I give love. But still no luck of finding love. I’m just giving love lagi!!!

Okay, you’re right. I’m HOPEless romantic. I’m very sure I am. I am still looking for Gladies’ knight in shining armor. Cinderella found her prince, Prince Charming found Snowhite, Ariel has Price Eric, Belle has her Beast, Princess Aurora with Prince Philip, Jasmine with Aladdin, Tiana with Prince Naveen, Esmeralda with Quasimodo, Pocahontas with John Smith, Fiona with Shrek never with Donkey, Rose and Jack, Edward and Bella, Ana with Christian Grey…

I can write all day long of all these love teams and never Gladies with… with blank…  With whom? No one.

For the past few months, all I do is attend weddings. To witness my friends to be happy ever after like the people above mentioned.

I came to a point that I’m pressured. That I needed to find to find someone who would bring the smile I saw with my friends. Not just the ‘kilig’ factor but the smile brought by real happiness. The security you feel whenever his arms are wrap around you. The feeling of being safe, that no witch, beast, evil magician or rulers can hurt you. And the healing feeling that he gives you just by his kiss. Worries and fears would subside just by one kiss.

This is a real hopeless romantic point of views. Fairy tales never happens until you fall in love. See? I am still thinking about it. But really, all people in love would say that fairy tales really do happen.

And I thought I found mine. I met this guy like 8 months ago. Weirdly taking advice from 2 of my good girlfriends during a boring after shift morning while watching TV, what was that? Chatting.  I met him that night; we had a very good conversation. I never thought I’d meet a guy with a common sense and a sense of humor at the same time. Time flies and I realized that this guy is making me smile. The grumpiness in me subsides whenever I think of him. I always caught myself smiling alone. And after 4 months of having a good conversation and laughs, he surprised me by showing me a ticket going here in the country to meet me. Just to meet me. So who said no one can cross mountains and sea for me. By the way, he is a Phil-Am and staying in the US and wants to meet me.

I’m sure and I could say that this could really be it. I like him a lot. We have similarities but we have more differences which makes the relationship more exciting and valuable.

Then something happened, I got busy with my life, busy fulfilling my lifetime dream. Enjoying my life to the fullest and realized that the only thing that keeps us connected was disconnected by me. Yes, you read that right; I disconnected myself for a supposed to be happy ending.

But I also realized something, that if this supposed to be Prince charming of mine really is the real thing, I would definitely find time for him. Never ignore his messages and would definitely return calls. But my life, and myself is more important to this guy.

I apologized from the bottom of my heart for ignoring and forgetting him while I was so full of my dreams.

Things didn’t work out and voila! I’m back from being Gladies and …

I may be back from being alone, single and ready to mingle mode, but I have realization and lessons learned from what happened.

I am still young but I’m not getting any younger! I only have 3 years before the so called ‘desperada mode’.

Don’t search for love let love comes to you! Don’t be too in love with love because if you want to find real happiness, it should start within yourself.

And you should ensure that you really have good friends to share a cup of tea while telling this kind of thoughts because it would feel good being yourself in just a cup of tea.