Tuwing Umuulan

It’s August 7, 2011, at 2:13 in the morning. 

It’s a rainy Sunday morning; well it has been raining for almost two weeks kasi nga rainy season. 

I was thinking of my dream when I woke up late afternoon yesterday. Napanaginipan ko na naman sya. Kelan nga ba ‘yong huli? Matagal tagal ko na din pala s’ya di nakikita sa panaginip ko.  I am loaded of so many things the past few months, kaya kahit thank you article noong birthday ko di ko nagawang isulat.

Anu ‘yung panaginip ko that made me write today? Actually, magulo. Sobrang halo-halo ang mga pangyayari. Pero to sum it up, I am with  good friends heading somewhere. Nagmamadali ako to meet my good friend na umuwi from abroad. To think na itong good friends ko at itong friend ko abroad doesn’t know each other. On my way going there, I was trapped to this place with a few tropa (iba pa sa kasama ko sa sasakyan), where I met this nice guy. I am enjoying his company; he’s nice, thoughtful and sweet. And goodness I love his smile kasi it made me forget where I was heading. After a few chat, dumating ka, you were making silly acts to take my attention. And syempre, you’ve won. Nakalimutan ko si cute guy with sweet smile dahil kinausap mo ako. You showed na you don’t like the guy talking to me. Na gusto mo ikaw lang pinapansin at kinakausap ko. You made me feel your presence para di ako mainlove sa lalaking ‘yon.

Nung napunta ulit lahat ng atensyon ko sa’yo, we did what we normally do. 

Magkwentuhan at magkulitan. And I actually see myself happy. From that dream, I saw my old self. Laughing as if there was no tomorrow and smiling like a 13 year old girl saw her ultimate crush.

Then back to reality…

When I woke up, I felt sad. Not just because may steep neck ako but because I know that time would never happen between the two of us. Nalungkot ako kasi nagising ako sa isang magandang panaginip na alam ko hanggang panaginip lang.

I remember Tamia’s song ‘Almost’.

We never had our time. You were never mine, but how can I missed the time being with you as if you were mine.

But how come all I wanted is to hold your hand to feel safe. Wrap your arms around me to know I’m being protected and loved. Feel your presence to know that I am not alone.

How long will it take me to move forward? How long will I need to wait to be free? When will be the time I’d be ready to start again? When is the day I will say that I’m over you and that I am ready to fall in love again?

Eto ang ayaw ko tuwing umuulan, I began to think of things that might and might not happen. Minsan I blame myself for falling in love sa isang taong never na magiging akin. Kaso, every time na naiisip ko ‘yun, my heart tells me na I made the right decision. I shouldn’t blame myself kasi ito ay isang napakagandanag bagay na ibinigay ni Lord sakin. Na He let me feel to be in love and to give love. Though the love that I gave will never be returned.

Dreams will always be dreams. If you want it to happen, you have to do something. If not, you just need to sleep all day to dream and be hurt once you woke up.

Okay

Why is it so hard to pretend?

Pretending to be strong, when deep inside you feel like crying. You wanted to burst in tears for the pain, anger and hurt that is in your heart but you can’t. Why? Because you know that this is the only way that someone could be as strong as they can see you. In this way, you are able to protect someone dear to your heart.

Even if you feel like giving up, you can’t just show it to everyone else because they look up to you as a strong person. They get strength and courage to be as strong as you. You inspire them to be brave in all dilemmas that they are going through.

Why is it so hard to show that you are also human, that you can also feel the pain in the world? 

I am not a perfect person, and people may look at me as one of the worst person they’ve ever met. They can call me selfish, heartless, and ruthless and the unkind person in this world and I would not care. They don’t know me. They don’t know what I am going through.

Pretending to be strong and okay is one of the hardest things in this world. But I could overcome that for the people I care about.

Hay, Emo na naman ako. Di ko pa naintindihan ang pinagsasasabi ko.

Pero kung ang topic is pagiging mapagkunwari.I would say that im good at it. I’ve been doing that for many years now.

It started when I fall in love, I tried my best hiding the feeling but sa ayaw ko man o hindi, it shows kasi my heart could not hide it. Though I still deny it. Hahaha.

I pretended to be okay kahit hindi.

May mga bagay sa mundong ito na kahit gusto mo na matapos, ay hindi padin matapos tapos dahil magulo. Anu daw?

Ako pala ang magulo. Magulo ako kasi hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. I am missing my old self. Si Glad na walang pinoproblema (though is makes me a stronger person), si Glad na hindi natatakot magkamali (kasi we should learn from our mistakes kasi kung hindi tayo magkakamali di tayo matututo), SI Glad na ang gusto lang ay maging masaya (I am happy, pero may kulang).

 Anu ba pinagsasasabi ko? Bakit hindi ko makikilala ang sarili ko eh lagi ko kasama sarili ko? Sa sobrang pagkukunwari ko, parang totoo na ang mga ipinakikita ko.

Well it’s better to pretend you’re okay than to explain why you’re not okay.

This line works for me well. I may be so madaldal and that I could not help my mouth to just shut for a sec but I’d prefer people to see me okay.

I dont want them to worry about me (parang may mag care naman noh?), i dont want to add myself on their problems and worries. O baka naman, I am just too scared to know that no one cares sa 'kin. That i give love to everyone at di ko lang matanggap na they could not love me back kaya i just want to feel okay? Pwede din

Kaya nga naniniwala ako kapag kinamusta mo ang isang tao at sinabing okay lang sila. Okay means i have so much to think about, i have bigger problems and i just dont want you to involve yourself because i know that you as well have bigger problems.

Okay could also mean that, I dont need help right now. Just leave me alone.

Or it could mean that tinatamad ako mag kwento, can you just find out for yourself? Para naman ma-feel ko na you really care?

Hay naku! Minsan na nga lang ako magsusulat ganito pa naisulat ko. Ang pangit!!!

Letters to Juliet

Last week, as Anna prepares for her business trip this week going to Italy. She mentioned that she will stay near Casa di Giulietta in Verona.

It is said that Juliet's statue bring good fortune to those who would stoke the right breast of the statue, maybe in love, family, friends, career, or whatever you like. In addition to this, Anna and Berns said that when you wrote a letter to Juliet, someone would read that letter and try to make your wish come true. They could grant your wish, gives you advice, make a move to help you maybe find true love.

I would love to write that day. But I do not know what I would like to put in that letter until I’ve watched the movie. When Anna and Berns said that I could make a wish by writing a letter, I was thinking that this letter could help me moved on. This could help me say the words that never came out when I have the chance. This could be the chance of being happy. But watching the movie made things clear that it would still be me to choose and decide the things that would make me happy. 

Claire took 50 years before having the courage to go back in Italy and look for Lorenzo. She may ignore “Juliet’s” response but she decides and took courage to face the truth that after 50 years, she is dying to be with Lorenzo.

I don’t want to wait 50 years, but I’ll make sure that this is really true love. This would sounds absurd because I don’t know what true love is, but I know if that day would come, I would not need to write to Juliet to live happily ever after.

Write now, if I were to write to Juliet, I would have said below:

Ciao Giulietta,

I hope someday, I could write to you about the story of love in my life. I hope that day would come.

Finding true love seems to be so difficult, is it because of love that I kept hiding for a long time? Or the love that I could not put into words because of fear being rejected? Or maybe because it’s not my priority.

I admire you for fighting what you have with Romeo. It may be tragic but the love between the two of you is over flowing that even death could not tear you apart.

I wish I could have the same courage as you are in fighting for your love.

Grazie,

Glad

Sounds that I am confused? Bitter? Afraid? Lost? Whatever it is, it’s what is in my heart right now.

I Believe in You

I was talking to my sister ‘bout what happened in Japan the other day. She was sort of nervous because she has this thought of destruction of humankind next year.

A lot of speculations, hearsays, rumors even wild predictions that the earth will deluge next year.

I also saw some numbers that proves that it would really be next year like 09-11-01+03-10-11 = 12-21-12. First, the answer is -21. Second, I don’t want to scare myself. Third, I never believe in 2012 movie though it’s a good movie.

What happened in the 9/11 bombing is as tragic of what happened the other day. I share my condolences to the family who lost their love ones with these events. And to those who survive the tragedy, I am as thankful as you as I am safe and alive with my family right now.

With all the things that are happening right now, I would like to emphasize that we all have one BIG GOD who watched over us. We should give all our faith and trust in Him. He would not do anything that would harm us. We may experience things like those but it’s a challenge from Him. He has plans for us, and it is us who should discover our purpose here on earth.

I am nothing against the 2012 movie, but one thing I would like to tell everyone who could read this, let us surrender our life to Him and he will save us. I understand that God once destruct the mankind by sending heavy rains however, if I can remember it right He also said that he would not do that ever again. He showed how much He loves us by sending Christ to redeem us from sin.

Right now, I am thankful that God showed me a way to become more faithful to Him. As what we always say “GOD is GOOD, ALL THE TIME”.

Let us all pray that this kind of tragic event won’t happen again. And let us all give faith in Him that he would not do any destructive things as the movies and other people's beliefs.

Good Bye Vday (Vitter day!)

I thought I won’t be making any pre-post valentine note but here I am, writing a note around 2:56am on February 15, 2011.

I would like to share that this year’s Heart’s Day passed by not having a thought of myself being single. Not having a thought that today is a very special day. Not wondering who should I spend this day with, not jealous of the people who finds time to celebrate this day and jealous of the girl or girls spending their days having someone holding their hands and having dinner or lunch in a very fine dine resto and thinking of just themselves.

Today is not my normal Vday. Vday means Vitter day. Hahaha. I feel free and I feel happy. Today, I spend the day just with my newly found friends just laughing my heart out, laughing at Bob Ongs love quotes realizing that it may sound funny but it makes a lot of sense, checking each and every friends status checking if their happy, bitter, alone, single, emo and just the normal crazy status.

I learned one thing, it is really best to be single. You can be careless, reserve, emo, bitter, happy, crazy and of course free from commitment! Committing yourself from being hurt to be happy. Who says you need to cry like a river before you feel happy?! Who??

We can be happy in many ways. A simple laughing out loud with friends, eating together, watching movie, shopping, travelling sa mall? =)) what else??

God give us this gift of waking u in the morning to enjoy life. We may encounter hurts, troubles, problems, heartbreaks, success, happiness.. those gives our life spice and challenge in making us a better person. Who knows, He is just preparing us to be better for someone. ;) 

From a saying: "If it is not a happy ending, it is perhaps a happy beginning."