Coward Me

Today, I just realized how coward am I. 

How I’m afraid of being rejected or rather how afraid I am to realize that there is just nothing I can do. No matter how much effort I put in this stupid thing, into this feeling I kept for so long, nothing would change. 

I am just hurting myself. I am just being so stupid to let myself drown in this feeling forgetting that I need to be happy, that I have the right to be happy. If I won’t let go of this shit, I would be left alone.

I guess Mike is right, if I don’t see anything worth waiting, why wait? Why wait for so long and let myself bear the pain.

Ron is also right saying that this is a now or never thing. This pain right now is just an icing of a cake. And this would be worst if I would let time passed by. 

Something changed. It’s like a broken glass that I glued. That even though I put all the pieces back, there is these cracks that would be there forever. Either I keep that glass or buy a new one. But why is it so hard to let go of the old broken one when it’s easy to buy a new one.

Why is there a wall between us? Why things between us changed? Or maybe I’m the only one thinking of that? Maybe I’m just the one thinking that there is something special. And I’m frustrated like this because I let myself believe on my gut feeling that there is something super special.

Now I just realized that I am hurting myself. I created this chaos of mine now why am I so afraid of it. I should know when to stop. I want to stop, I just don’t know how.

Me And Usagi

Last week, I enjoyed searching and looking for a good photo that can be placed on my profile picture in FB and Twitter. This is in support to all abused children worldwide.

As checking with my friend’s photos, I enjoyed checking every picture as it brings back my childhood memories.

Who wouldn’t know Cedie ang batang prinsipe who made us all cry, same thing with Nelo and Partrash, Heide, Mga munting Pangarap ni Romeo, Sarah ang Munting Prinsesa, at kung anu anu pang mga cartoons na talaga naming pinagdaanan natin nung kabataan natin.

Kala nyo yan lang nakita ko? I foun BTX, Ghost Fighter, Time quest, Super Boink, Disney characters, si Dora ang batang gala, Magic Knight RareEarth, Doreamon, Si Betty Boop, Popoye, Akazukin Cha-Cha, Tom Sawyer at si Huckle Berry Finn at kung anu-ano pa. Nakakatuwa it brings out the youth or should I say the child in me.

And I am lucky na I am able to enjoy watching this shows. And in support with those abused children, na nanuod man nito o hindi, I know they didn’t enjoy it.

While searching the net, I typed sailor moon. My super favorite cartoon character. 

Why do I like her so much??? Because I and Usagi have so many the same things in common.

She’s matakaw, super daldal as in daldal lang ng daldal, cry baby, funny, sweet, thoughtful, caring. People make fun of her a  lot yet she never ever takes those things to make herself down but it serves as an inspiration to her because she has lots of friends who love and accepts her for being herself.

She is very clumsy that we would always trip whenever there is a chance. She would always see hearts whenever she see cute guys but even though she has lots of crushes (tipong head over heels ang pagkakilig kapag nakakita na ng gwapo J), she remains loyal.

She never showed any pain, worries, troubles, tears in front of her friends so that she wouldn’t be an extra burden to them or simply because she doesn’t want her friends to get worried. She would always show how strong and brave she is no matter how much she wants to fell on her knees. She wants to look like that because she knows, all the people she loves gets strength from her. 

She’s a very good friend no matter how she denies it, she;s a good friend in a very different way.  She would give her life to her friends. She would admit she’s wrong but never admits she’s inlove. 

Speaking of love, Mamuro is the love of her life, her knight in shining armor. The only man that could make her fell in love, smile without doing anything and let her knees fall down sa sobrang kilig. She always cared but showed it in a very different way. Love him in a special way that only she could do.

Nakakatuwa that I am not over Sailormoon. 

I love her because she uses her heart to find true happiness. She may be a meatball head but she has a heart that is full of love for her friends and family that she is willing to sacrifice everything for their happiness.

She maybe super clumsy and irresponsible but she manage to protect everyone in the name of love.

The Truth Will Set you Free

I am having my lunch break this afternoon with Joy and Kuya Ron, we were chatting, making chixmax to everyone who seems to be interesting then i found out that we are now discussing my love life.

Oh my, its the topic I hate most. What on earth I'm going to share? why do we need to discuss my love life to think i don't have any.

I really do not know why but love life for me is one of the most dreadful things to discuss in my life. i have nothing to share. yeah, never had a bf since birth and currently i never thought of having one.

During our discussion, i kept asking myself, am i being honest with myself on how i feel with this special person whom until now is the only person I love? Am i ready to face rejection? Am i ready to take the next step? Am I just a coward that can't stand on how i feel? 

Minsan i just want to think that i am just being real and avoiding myself being hurt by someone because i will never let anyone hurt me except myself. but by just being so quiet about it, i am hurting myself so much that until now i can't seem to moved on.

Tama, Tama na sabihin ko na... i need to express how i feel and tell it to his face the moment i have a chance para maka-move on.

Realization is now killing me. It is now or never, if i tell him, friendship may risk and if not, I'll never find someone to love as this heart beats for only one person. The person whom i never expect to fall in love with. the person who is a not my ideal guy. a person whom i see myself spending my life as a friend. and just friend.

Joy and Kuya Ron is correct when they told me that i should tell him as this is my chance to be happy. This is my chance to enjoy the love life topic. To enjoy sharing my love life and not just listening to someone elses'story.

I need to tell him for me to be happy and to have a time of finding true love. The love that i should be enjoying right now to think i am not committed but i still hinder myself of entering into any relationship because I can never give love the way i gave love to this person.

My heart is beating for this one person. My fault i gave my heart without him knowing that he owns it. Yeah, you read it right, i never had this chance of telling him how much i feel. i maybe one of the most talkative person in this world but i never learned to express my real feelings.

It's funny i am writing it right now because this is the only way i can express this feeling, this thought in my head that wants to explode.

I never want to hurt anyone on how i feel. i may be selfish in many ways but if its about for the person i love, i am very much willing to give and sacrifice everything. even if it means the world to me.

I'll be hypocrite if I'm going to say that i never thought of me and him in the future, holding hands together, sharing stories while watching the sunset and having coffee together waitign for the sunrise. but everything will disappear when thinking that he will never like me as me.

I love myself more than anyone else. I love being who i am and i cannot change myself for anyone else and i do not want to do that because changing one little thing in myself for anyone will not make me myself anymore. If i would change something about myself, I'd be happy to change it because i want to and i am looking forward to a better me.

This note is not meant for you who is reading this but this is meant for myself. I'd just like to express my thoughts right now because i feel i have been hiding and keeping this for the longest time now.

To Kuya Ron and Joy, thank you kanina. I know that conversation is not just for harutan purposes. Both of you may express yourselves in a very funny way, that is why i am laughing :D, but you two made me realized how long i have been holding this to  myself. I am open with the thought that I'm in love with this person but i am never open in telling what is in my heart to him.

Why??

I'm scared to death of me being rejected,  I'm scared he'll tell me i took advantage of the friendship,I'm too afraid he'll tell me that he can never love me. I hated the feeling of being rejected, neglected and dumped.

I'm scared that our friendship will end. Too scared not to talked to him, not to see him at all, not to hear anything from him.

I remember this song "Kung Ako Na Lang Sana" ni Bituin Escalante or the "Friend of Mine" sang by Lea Salonga.

This songs reminds me of loving this person. This songs are timeless like the love i feel right now.

"I've known you for so long you are a friend of mine, kung ako nalang sana ang iyong minahal. "

Childish Me

September 13, 2009. Actually it’s already September 14, 2009. 4:10 in the morning. i am still watching my super favorite cartoon.. Sailor Moon.. 

i have been watching this since Monday and I'm just happy because from episode 1 i am already at episode 50.. i really don't know when will i able to finish this series but i am surely enjoying watching this.. its like I'm kid again..

i just missed being a kid..

i surely miss being a kid, pwo hindi na maibabalik yun, i am now a grown-up. well most of the time, i know I'm childish, i love making fun of everything, i always thought that everything is just a game, that i am always fooling around, i sometimes make bully with everyone around me.. Well that's me.. The super childish girl who really laughs out loud.. na parang walang bukas.. hehehe.. pwo kahit ganito ako, I'm still responsible in some ways (i know I'm irresponsible pwo minsan naman khit papaano db?).. kahit papaano, i take responsibility in all my acts, no matter what happens.. i know i am very immature person and don't understand the world, but surely i know how to handle things when it’s not in-place..

hehehe.. un lang.. bow..

what women say and think

FROM: gem-28 at 5:19 am on Tuesday, July 19, 2005

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade. 

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don’t care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" 

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. 

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That’s Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That’s Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." 

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future! re, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "That’s Okay" 

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"